Should I Start Over?

Should I start over? 

It’s scary to realize that I’ve spent 4 years of my life “working on celiac” only to finally come to grips with the fact that I don’t WANT to “do celiac.”

Initially I decided to pursue this field because my sister needed help… When I started health coaching school it was with much fear and trepidation that I was making the wrong choice, that I’d start myself down a path that would take me away from my true south, that I would be wasting my time…

Only by deciding that it would be worth it if I learned something that would help my sister was I able to finally make a decision. 

And it did!

I discovered what was wrong with her: celiac disease.

I discovered what to do about it and I was able to help her finesse her diet and habits to finally eliminate the vestiges of gluten for good. She was able to get pregnant and now has not one, but two, beautiful, healthy, brilliant children.

My rationale for starting a coaching business focusing on celiac was basically “my sister needed help and I was able to help her, the statistics are that 1 in 100 people are affected by celiac in the United States, therefore its a good business decision because it’s niche enough to stand out but broad enough to actually be sustainable as an audience.” (As opposed to my very first course project, “How to be a Professional Pianist for Homeschool Girls Still Living at Home Who Want to Make Money.”)

I suppose that’s sound logic; in fact it must be, because I keep logicking myself with it.

“There are people who need help and you have what they need, so you HAVE to put it out there or you’re not fulfilling your purpose AND you’re being selfish. It has all the things people say you need for a good business: an audience with a real pain point, a system that works, practically no competition, and large enough numbers in the targeted niche to be successful.” Talk about a blue ocean!

And yet…

Despite that logic being so convincing that I’ve used it to convince my mind for the past 4 years, my heart has always whispered rebellion.

“But what about what YOU want to do?”

“You said you wanted to help your sister, and you did. Are you really obligated to help everyone else on the planet?”

“You are good at doing things. When you want to do a thing, it gets done. WHY is it taking FOUR YEARS to “start” doing celiac??”

I’ve struggled back and forth for SO LONG. I’ve shut it down with even more convincing logic and a healthy dose of guilt-tripping.

“But I said I was going to, so I should. I always keep my word.” 

“But people really do need my help, so it would be like killing them myself if I don’t do something when they’re in trouble.”

“But what about [insert big plan I’ve been planning for 4 years]?? I don’t want to give that up!”

But in the last week, my heart has forced me to listen. 

Whether it was the spontaneous crying fit I had at work…

Or the fact that I literally CANNOT make myself write the damn posts I’m supposed to be doing to market celiac and instead watch stupid youtube videos for literally 3 HOURS…

Or that my body has mutinied against me this entire week, and despite going to sleep at a semi-reasonable time, I still can’t drag myself out of bed until I have only 10 minutes to get ready and leave for work…

Or that I’m having trouble doing basic taking-care-of-myself chores like making sure I’m getting a shower more than once a week, eating enough (I’m not), even brushing my teeth! I’m just “too tired” and swear I’ll do it in the morning.

This is not ok.

Something has to give.

I said that 4 months ago and held out, hoping that celiac would give first and start showing something for all my work, dang it!

But no.

No, it’s time to admit the truth that everyone else close to me has already said in one way or another. Even people NOT close to me have seen it (Kate, you were right).

So either I’m majorly defunct in the character department, and I’m a horrible shiftless good-for-nothing without honor who can’t keep her word, 

Or I’m not supposed to “do celiac.”

Seeing as my boyfriend, my mentors, my family, and my coworkers are absolutely horrified when I even suggest such a thing as the first option, I guess it’s the second. 

I don’t know. Maybe it’s right. Maybe it’s not. I certainly don’t want to see myself that way.

I’ve fought with myself for so long I don’t trust my opinion on this anymore, which is saying something huge. I guess I’ll take the word of the people who know and love me and can see me with clear eyes.

So now what?

Should I get a certification in life coaching, in counseling, in tidy consulting? 

Should I build funnels again? That was fun. 

Should I offer to observe someone’s business and give them a strategy for how to streamline and make things more efficient? That’s fun too.

Should I help my cousin with her small-business-consulting business? My uncle with his non-profit to honor veterans when they pass away with an official military transport?

Should I be a professional course-taker and tell people where all the typos, the confusing bits, the places where people are going to fall off are?

Should I join a nunnery so I don’t have to worry about any of this anymore?

Austin definitely wouldn’t like that idea :’D

I don’t know. I just don’t know. It’s still too new, too raw. There’s too many choices and it’s scary. Honestly that’s probably one of the reasons why I chose celiac in the first place… it was a solid choice and then I didn’t have to decide from the million other wonderfully exciting things I *could* do.

I guess at this point I need to follow Barbara’s excellent advice and just sit here for a minute. There’s always something coming up that I can use to put pressure on myself, but what would happen if I… didn’t? What would I do if I gave myself a chance to find it naturally instead of “deciding” and making a 20 year plan?

I guess we’ll find out…